2018 kicked my ass, but I’m grateful

2018 was my first year in the real world. I thought I would have everything under control because I am a naive millennial who thinks that she knows it all, but boy was I wrong.

My first month of 2018, I was focused on moving out of my mother’s house. I was afraid because even though I was prepared, having saved up for this moment and also working on my credit for this moment, this meant that I was really going to have to step up and be an adult.

Finally in February, I moved out and everything was going well. For the next couple of months, things for me was going smooth. I was working 4 jobs, however, and I was stressed. Three of the jobs were in my field and I really enjoyed them, but I wasn’t happy because having a Master’s I thought I should be making more money and at one job. I started applying to jobs in late April. I wanted a full time job where I could use the skills that I had and also possibly learn new skills.

In early May, I was offered 2 job positions, both of which were in 2 different fields and literally 2 blocks away. The one in my field, offered less money than the one that was not in my field, but there was room for growth. The other position offered a great salary with little room for growth. What was more important to me at the time, was the latter. I wanted to be secure, have money to save, spend and invest. I took that job out of my field and it was the worst decision of my life

It was smooth in the beginning, like 3 weeks, but soon after I realized that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life chasing after the money. This year I learned that money wasn’t everything and I should be doing what I love. I stayed until I couldn’t take it anymore and I walked out.

During those 5 months, I was struggling with myself. I was struggling with dealing with my anger, self-esteem, loving myself, learning to love my body even though I had gained every single pound that I’d lost, spreading myself thin to make everyone else happy and not focusing on myself. All of that had me in a state of panic. I cried myself to sleep many nights, I isolated myself from people who loved me, I just wasn’t myself and to be honest, I’d lost myself.

The two weeks that I had to myself after I had quit my job, taught me a lot about myself. That time taught me what I liked, what I didn’t like, what I tolerated, what I wouldn’t tolerate, but there was still a lot of things that I had to do to make myself feel like me again.

Recently, I’ve started saying no, I’ve stopped spreading myself thin and it feels great. I’m realizing and starting to understand that whoever has an issue with it does not need to be in my life. I have the power to control what stays and what goes. I never used that power because I wanted to change myself to make everyone happy, but that shit is toxic and it stops now. Although, I haven’t been to the gym in a long time I have learned to love my body. Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate it so I drop down and do a couple of squats and go on about my day.

I have goals that I need to reach by the end of next year and the only way that I’m going to reach them is if I cam 100% honest with myself and 100% happy with myself and the decisions that I am making.

I am no longer looking for validation from other people, all I need is within me. I have to learn to make time for myself and enjoy my own company. Spending time with others makes me happy, but if they’re not available or going through their own thing then I need to spend time with myself and focus.

Although 2018 really kicked my ass, I’m grateful for the lessons that I DID learn. I’m ready to kick 2019’s ass now.

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